This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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