college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
