it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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