Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
