I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
