i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
