If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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