You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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