I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
