We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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