It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
