that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
