Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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