God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
