woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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