Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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