I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
