I think my vagina is haunted
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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