really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
