what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Boobs speak an international language.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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