apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
