haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
