We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
