4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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