My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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