So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I need to stop coming to work sober
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The adults are the big ones right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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