Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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