I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
