; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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