About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We don't watch enough power rangers
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
