Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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