"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
