News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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