Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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