at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
