i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
