And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
