a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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