You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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