So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
