capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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