OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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