I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
