After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
