How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
