If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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