You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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