Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
