Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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