So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
