I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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