its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
