Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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